[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.