Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.