War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option