everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
dictator is short for richard potato
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.