I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
And bowling should be called pinball
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!