Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.