*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)