After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Good morning, Twitter x
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Don’t snitch tag.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
bugs when you lift up a rock
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job