Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.