Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
You Might Also Like
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Happy Friday
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
decorating my apartment
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments