Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
This is the one
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.