[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.