This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
You Might Also Like
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING