Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
You Might Also Like
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave