Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
guys i’ve cracked the code
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[eulogy]
line?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.