I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”