I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?