I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog