[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
You Might Also Like
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
this was the best i’ve ever seen
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
this could fix me
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you