Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
😂🤣😂🤣
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
😂😂
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES