Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time