“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The old gods are rising again.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella