I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
You Might Also Like
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers