This is me 🤣🤣
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I enjoy a good short stor
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many