Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
How software testing works
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.