My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.