Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
scared to check what name she chose
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.