I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Pot warmers of the day.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.