I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red