Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
good work, detective
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
i now pronounce you bounced.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.