Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.