[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
You Might Also Like
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.