Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Taking phone security to the next level.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
X-tra spooky blend
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam