At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
“i am a sweet baby”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.