Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
You Might Also Like
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.