*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
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A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?