Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”