Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
sir, my pâté if you please
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Employees must applaud the planets.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”