Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.