For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
one of
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”