Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway