Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
You Might Also Like
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends