Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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Just when I鈥檝e finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won鈥檛 eat his dinner.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
The Face ID on my phone doesn鈥檛 recognise me when I鈥檓 smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can鈥檛 馃槀
Good things come to those who don鈥檛 make mommy lose her shit.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I鈥檒l be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who鈥檚 stealing all the food from the fridge.