When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Breaking news:
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.