cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.