I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
You Might Also Like
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Worth a try
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.