“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My dad is at it again
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
#ProTip
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end