Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.