It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.