It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
what day is it?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
O Wise One….
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up